In the 1941 (!!!) science fiction story “The Secret Sense”, by Isaac Asimov, earthling Lincoln Fields learns that martians have a secret sense that allows them to experience things in ways that earthlings cannot. The crafty Lincoln tricks his martian friend to take him to a concert that features the martian “portwem” instrument, which plays directly to this secret sense. Before the concert, a martian physician injects Lincoln with a hormone that will activate the atrophied secret sense in the human brain. Unfortunately, this hormone only works for five minutes, after which it will be unusable forever.
During the concert, Fields experiences the wonders of the “portwem”, first with colors and sounds and odors all directly affecting the senses, but shortly thereafter the experience transitions into a new, indescribable sense. As the hormone wears off, Lincoln is devastated because he knows that he will never be able to experience this wonder again and the memory will haunt him for the rest of his life.
Switching gears…
Having worked for Google, Facebook, and Amazon, I often get the question which of these legendary companies is the best to work for. My answer is always the same: “Google, in Zürich, in 2009/2010”. Not just Google, not just Zürich, and not just the end of the noughties, it is all of these factors, combined. It was a unique confluence of company, phase of life, space, and time. Much like Lincoln Field’s enjoyment of the martian music instrument, this confluence of factors will never come around again.
Google mostly single handedly started the concept of Big Tech and for everyone who was there at or near the beginning, this was a mind-blowing experience, as most of us had never worked with so many smart people on something that was so innovative, so technically advanced, and so impactful. Google had a unique culture which (at the time) combined technical excellence and playfulness in a way that was a fresh breath of air for those of us who came from more established environments like banks, academia, or government civil service. Combined with the quality of life in Zürich and with my second wind as an adult, this made for an extremely enjoyable experience. I grew tremendously, both as a person and as an engineer.
But, all good things must come to an end; after ten years at Google in Zürich, it was time for a new chapter in my life and I moved to Boston where I joined the Google office in Cambridge. Two years later, I left Google as well. This surprised many people because I had been such a good salaryman and my identity had become so intertwined with being a Googler. When asked why I was leaving, I usually answered: “Well, you know, after twelve years, both Google and I are no longer who we used to be and we agreed that it is time to start seeing other people.”
Coming out of an experience like that is confusing because, after the thrill of a new job wears off and reality sets in, the sense of loss can become overwhelming. It is partly for that reason that Xooglers are annoyingly prone to saying things like: “At Google…”. I had to make a conscious effort not to do that too often, lest I antagonize my new colleagues.
Another reason a lot of ex-Googlers make that reference is that Google really has a lot of their shit together, technically speaking. When I joined a company that was very good, but technically not as advanced as Google, my new manager, also a former Googler, told me: “Jos, you gotta remember, we’re from the future…”
The problem with most good times is that they never come around again because, to quote the Greek philosopher Heraclites: “You can never step into the same river twice.” The people I know who tried, never reported good things. When my landing in Boston turned out to be much harder than I thought it would be, I briefly toyed with the idea of moving back to Zürich. I never seriously considered it though, because I knew that whatever had been there for me had gone and it was impossible to get it back.
One of the problems of Zürich is that at that time, and this is probably still the case, Google was/is the only show in town. Most of those I know who left Google in Zürich, either voluntarily or by spreadsheet, had a hard time finding another job there because there was typically nothing available that could compare with Google, both financially and in terms of the interesting work. I have seen friends of mine struggle mightily to find work happiness again.
How to deal with this type of loss? Received wisdom has it that there are five stages of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Much like Tuckman’s model for team development, you cannot skip any of these stages, which makes the entire process somewhat of a lengthy ordeal. But, to quote Winston Churchill: “If you are going through hell, keep going!”
Switching gears again…
Way back when I was consulting I noticed a trend where me and my fellow consultants would complain loudly about what idiots our customers were. Typically, we would agree that our previous customers were morons, but our current ones were even worse. Then, when the next gig rolled around, we would do the same. Eventually, I realized that if this were true, I was on a long slide down and that if every customer was worse than the previous one, I eventually would find myself consulting for the government.
Fun fact: As I am getting closer to retirement I am considering moving to Holland for a year and working for the government. I skipped military service and I feel I still owe them something for the near-free education they gave me, which I put to very good use indeed.
Of course, the downward slide was not happening, the customers were in fact not consistently getting worse, I was just getting better 🙂.
One of the difficult aspects of getting older is that, in your mind, you are pretty much the same person you have always been. This is of course not true; change happens, but unless you engage in a concerted effort to remember the past, you might be living under the misapprehension that you are pretty much the same as you ever were.
For a while, when I still lived and worked in Holland, I had a side job as the government representative in thesis defenses in my old college. This meant that I had the privilege to read the theses of graduating students and pitch in during the cross-examination and when determining the grade. Much like the myth of the ever dumber customer, there is a persistent myth that students are getting worse over time as well. To combat this, I would regularly re-read my own bachelor thesis to remind myself with what crap work I had graduated, so as to give the students I was now judging a fair shot at a good grade.
The aforementioned Greek philosopher Heraclites of course had the right of it: You cannot step in the same river twice, because even if, magically, you could find exactly the same river, you would not be the same. Even if I could time-travel back to Zürich in 2006, kill my old self, escape the ensuing time travel paradox, and take my place on August 21st in my new job, it would not be the same experience. That is just impossible (time travel aside).
So don’t long for the good old days. Instead, work on making these the new good times. They might be different good times, but they should be good times that match with who you are today. I am happy as a clam at high tide that I have experienced what I have experienced and I consider myself very lucky to have been able to experience it, but try and make your life a series of good times, instead of a single peak and an endless longing for what can never be again.
